The Meaning of Christmas

By Dr. Richard Kaley, Psychologist

It is our individual minds that create the meaning we assign to events. Events also have collective meaning, assigned by our family, community and culture. Special events like Christmas even have a collective meaning across many different cultures. While respecting the considerable diversity of opinion about religious holidays, I think it is helpful to reflect on what we want it to mean in our individual lives, because the way we think and behave during this next month is a measure of who we are and want to be.

Christmas is traditionally a time for expressing love and family togetherness. We picture excitedly preparing gifts to give to family and friends. We picture family and friends laughing around the dinner table, exchanging gifts, creating shared memories that bond their relationships with love. Even non-Christians often participate in this tradition, reflecting the universal importance, value and significance assigned to love and kindness.

I know a lady confined to a wheelchair who suffers with intense chronic pain. She has lost and let go of a lot in her life, but she still “holds on” to the tradition of Christmas. She told me recently that Christmas is for children and that she is still “a kid at heart”. She makes most of her gifts (cookies, mincemeat tarts, paper ornaments, etc.). She believes that it is a time to be kind to all people, not just with family and friends. She tries to create happy memories for everyone, even those who act like “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”.

There is the heart of a child hidden inside every one of us. But there are many broken-hearts in the world. Christmas brings to mind a different picture for them. Some live alone and have no family. Some have no home and sleep on the street. Some have families, but don’t want to see them. Some share meals and gifts with their family without ever expressing their love openly. It’s hard to be affectionate with a brother who always takes and never gives. It’s easy to be resentful with an in-law who prevents your sister from coming to visit you. It’s hard to forgive someone who has hurt you and never apologized or keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. If you didn’t feel loved by your own father, how do you know how to love your own son? If you don’t love yourself, how do you love others? If you’ve been harmed by the very people who were supposed to love, nurture and protect you, why would you risk trusting anyone? People with these sorts of histories struggle every day with the questions of how to love, be loved, forgive and be forgiven. As my yoga instructor put it, “when we refuse to forgive, we poison our hearts with bitterness, then expect somebody else to die.”

How can we make this Christmas one we will remember fondly, despite the problems of our past? Start by tapping into your strength of creativity to think and act differently than you have in the past. Avoid mindlessly repeating past habits. You feel the way you think, so think the way you want to feel. The Christmas you desire will not be created over night. It will be constructed by putting love into practice in all kinds of different situations. Be a leader by being the first to reach out a helping hand; giving more than you receive; insisting on receiving when you need it; persistently and calmly solving the everyday practical problems and conflicts; showing others how you take responsibility for your own emotions and behavior; and soothing others when they suffer. Commit yourself to love and respect others unconditionally while helping them correct their mistakes and learn their lessons. Avoid retaliating. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Strive to put the motto “Treat others as you would have them treat you.” into action at all times. Accept that you must risk pain and suffering to taste the fruit of love and togetherness. Be as generous with yourself as you are with others. Put inner peace and harmony with others at the top of your value system. Put love into daily practice. Avoid criticizing others in the name of love. We all know these teachings, but do we understand them and know how to put them into practice in our daily lives? If not, find someone who can advise you on these matters.

As the Lebanese poet Kahil Gibran wrote, “For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth, so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.”1

Don’t settle for a repeat of the past. Regardless of your past, use your creative power to envision a better future. To build a better future, focus on making the most of the present moment. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Treat others with unconditional respect and kindness and you will surely bring out the best in them. Make your actions conform to your values to strengthen your integrity. Remember, when you hurt others, you hurt yourself too. When you hurt yourself, you hurt others too. Never give up hope that you can improve your self and your relationships.

1. Kahil Gibran, The Prophet, Knopf Doubleday Publishers, 1923.