Parents as Models and Teachers

By Dr. Richard Kaley, Psychologist

This paper discusses how parents can model and teach their children what to believe. Beliefs are an important focus for parenting, because they strongly influence the child’s feelings and actions.

The single most important environmental factor (besides food, water and air) influencing child development is parents. Parents create the physical environment called “home”. Parents models what to think, feel and do. Parents teach their children knowledge and skills necessary for survival, attainment of autonomy and fulfillment.

All human beings are structured and function essentially the same way, despite the infinite variation between individuals. The principal components of the human are the: mental, emotional, behavioural, physical and spiritual. These components work together as the self system. Thought (the mental) is the single most powerful component influencing human life. Thought controls how parent and child react to each other. Beliefs are one type of thought that parents need to monitor closely – both their own and their children’s.

Realistic or rational beliefs are appropriate for the situation, causing our actions to be more effective and our emotions more acceptable. Rational beliefs help us to attain our goals and to feel satisfied with our lives. One of the crucial tasks of parenting is to model and teach realistic belief systems in a way that is understandable to the child, regardless of their age. If the parent’s beliefs are unrealistic, the child learns disinformation.

Dr. Ray DeGuissepe, an internationally recognized authority on Rational Emotive Therapy with children, has catalogued some of the irrational beliefs of both parents and children.

Overly strict parents may irrationally believe that:

Getting angry helps to manage my child’s behaviour.
Mistakes must be punished, because punishment helps learning.
It is disrespectful for a child to disagree with or question an adult
Overly permissive parents may believe:

Children must never be frustrated.
All punishment is wrong.
Children should be free to say and do whatever they want.

Inconsistent parents may believe:

Whatever feels right is right.
I’m too weak to know what’s right, so I’ll decide on the spur of the moment

Upset parents may believe:

My child can control my feelings.
I can’t control my own feelings.
If things go wrong, I have to get upset.
My child must change for me to feel better.

Angry parents may believe:

I have to treat bad people like they are worthless to teach them to be good.
When I don’t get what I want, it’s a catastrophe.
Children should always behave and it’s horrible when they don’t.

Depressed parents may believe:

I am worthless, if my child disapproves of my actions.
If I’m not an outstanding parent, I’m worthless.
It’s natural to be upset by other people’s problems.
If I perform poorly as a parent, I’m a complete failure.
If my child performs poorly, I’m a failure.

Anxious parents may believe:

I must have the approval of my child at all times.
My child must do well in everything.
Difficult issues are best avoided.
I can’t stand my child’s behaviour.

Fearful parents may believe:

Dangers are everywhere and constant vigilance is necessary to avoid them.
Pain is bad, so painful events must be avoided.
It’s terrible when bad things happen.

Parents who feel guilt may believe:

My child is permanently damaged, because I didn’t protect him / her from adversity.
I caused all of my child’s problems.
I could have prevented my child’s disability.
I am totally responsible for my child’s mistakes.

Dr. DeGuissepe has also identified some of children’s irrational beliefs:

I must always get what I want.
I must always be approved of.
It’s terrible if someone doesn’t like me.
I’m bad if I make a mistake.
The world should be fair and bad people should be punished.
I shouldn’t show my feelings.
Adults should be perfect.
There’s only one right answer.
I must win.
I shouldn’t have to wait for anything.
I must conform to my peers.
I can’t stand to be criticized.
Others should always be responsible.

Irrational beliefs related to underachievement:

If I can’t be the best, there’s no use trying at all.
Everything will be o.k. whether I work or not.
Everything should be fun without any unpleasantness.
Doing well in school would betray my friends.
It is dishonorable to cooperate with authority.
Nothing I do will ever benefit me.

Developmental Considerations:

Children ages 5 – 12 span two different stages of cognitive development. At age 5 – 6 many children still reason intuitively, meaning that irrational reasoning normal for their age. They are egocentric and limited in their ability to understand someone else’s viewpoint. They process information in small chunks and cannot consider several factors simultaneously. They also rely more heavily on perceptual than conceptual input and are present-oriented.

Around the age of 7, children begin to reason concretely, meaning that they can reason in a rational manner in everyday concrete situations. Concrete level children can understand and discuss beliefs that pertain to a concrete example. They can learn concepts like “fairness”, “mistakes”, and “retaliation” as they apply to situations they have experienced. As children transition into adolescence their minds further mature enabling them to reason about more abstract “what if” and “if-then” types of situations. Adolescents progressively become more able to analyze their own thinking and think more realistically about situations that they have not ever actually experienced.

Psychologists are trained in how to assist parents and their children to identify, analyze and modify their irrational beliefs to make them more realistic and self-empowering. If you think either you or someone you know may be struggling with mental confusion caused by irrational beliefs, seeing a psychologist may be helpful.

One important goal of therapy in this regard is to help parents see more clearly how they can be good models and teachers of realistic thinking for their children.